About finding my path

I’ve been searching for my path since I can remember. I’ve been (im)patiently waiting for my calling to reveal itself to me. I’ve been overwhelmed and paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice. So I’ve been hoping for someone to come and tell me what to do.

It didnt happen.

The lightning didnt strike me. The apple did not fall on my head. And to my disappointment, I did not invent some brilliant device and sell it for millions of dollars.

I also didnt write a bestseller, didnt save the world, and even didnt get married and didnt find my purpose in raising children.

Nobody came into my life and nobody told me how magnificently talented I am. Sure, there are people who appreciate me here and there, but nobody revealed my big, once-in-a-lifetime, world-saving purpose to me.

It appeared that I am normal. As typical as anybody typical can be. Im not Neo, and not even Morpheus.

Ouch…

Before, I always cringed at “enjoy simple things” and  “live in a moment” kind of advice. “What simple things? They cannot make me happy. But my life’s purpose can. Ill just wait for it to come around, while you are enjoying sun and flowers“.

It took me a while, countless desperate evenings, thousands of “smart” books and articles to realize that my purpose is to just live a human life.

To.just.enjoy.simple.things.

Sometimes not to enjoy at all. Sometimes be energized, and sometimes feel broken. Go through pain, loss, judgments, fight, happiness, joy, glory, love. All of it.

Before, I was avoiding any loss in life. Until I understood that loss – is life. Nondeductible part of it.

Before, I was avoiding any pain in life. Until I understood that life – is not only obsessive pursuit for pleasure, but it’s also growth.

Before I was looking for my path. Until I understood that Im already on it.

Before, I was paralyzed by fear of making the wrong decision, until I understood that every decision is the right one, and no activity or action will ever bring me the ultimate happiness.

There will always be pain, absence of something, doubt and failure. There will always be search for meaning and purpose. And that search – is the choice I’ve made. I’ve decided that I want to spend some time looking for greener grass in neighbor’s garden. And guess what, I’ve been finding just that.

Before, I was expecting my path to show up as soon as I reach the horizon. To only realize that the horizon can never be reached.

Before, I was looking for purpose out there. Now Im finally starting to look beneath my feet.

I found my path. I’ve been walking it for 31 years.

 

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