Why do we always want the wrong people

Passion. The engine of the mankind. The driving force of evolution. The power that makes people do fatal mistakes. The bittersweet symphony. The favorite subject of writers and singers .

Passion – is not love. Love does not push us to the edge and make us take our lives. Love grieves but then lets go. Love angers but then forgives. Love – is Peace. Happiness. Understanding. Acceptance.

Passion, not love – is the source of all pain, drama and misery in the world.

Any kind of passion can force the whole Universe to obey to one person. When people are obsessed with something, be it extreme sports, political power, revenge, business or scientific ideas – they are unstoppable. They push, they dig, they jump, they-just-go-after-it non-stop. The unsatisfied need for having a reason to wake up in the morning – is the power that drives our world, and if that power gets into wrong hands – it can bring a lot of destruction.

The same power is controlling us when we think we’ve connected with another human being, and we are having that once-in-a-life-time love and passion. When we close our eyes to all the red flags, all the lying, disrespect, ignorance, emotional unavailability in the name of “true love”, blindly misinterpreting these two terms.

Passion on the level of obsession has nothing to do with love. We get obsessed with something or someone when we are trying to fill the void inside our souls. When we are wounded and we didnt work through these wounds yet. When we are triggered.

The hook on the person happens at the very first occurrence of emotional neglect. When the person ignored us, disrespected, humiliated, distanced – this is our childhood trigger, which tells us that this is how it should be:

Hey, this is exactly how I used to live when I was a child! I need to fight for love! I need to conquer all the obstacles on the way, and I will win! I will fight all the 3rd parties in between us, be it the ghost of his ex, his own traumas, his job, his friends, family and hobbies! I need to fight them all in order to win his attention! This is how it always was, its normal!

And we start an unfair battle where we can never win. And it gives us purpose. It gives us security: This is how it should be. This is all I know how to do.

We fail, we win for a second, we fail again. We try harder. We get addicted. We get obsessed and overtaken by this tiny promise of love, the light at the end of a long tunnel, which seems to be there but never reachable. Adrenaline levels are high. Body is constantly on a fight-and-flight mode. We get used to it. We slowly kill our body, but at least it’s familiar. This is all we know. This is how it should be. This is kind of love everyone talks about. This is what I want. And I will do just about anything to get it.

The force behind passion is never the actual sex. It’s never orgasm. Orgasm is just another physical sensation, nothing more, nothing less. Nobody would ever give up their peace, sleep, money, reputation, self-esteem, health or life for a short-living bodily sensation.

Passion starts in our brain. Way before we get the orgasm. Way before we even know that we could get one.

It’s about the idea. The goal. Life purpose. Having that promise of a better future. That illusion of salvation with someone else. Blind conviction that we will feel better some day, when that light at the end of the tunnel is reached. Re-living the life the way we know it day after day, year after year.

It doesnt mean that passion doesnt exist and we have to “settle” for boring unattractive partner. It just means that everything is in our mind. Our wounds are controlling our choices. We choose partners, friends, jobs. They show us something. We are attracted to and attract people which will teach us the lesson and show us what we don’t want to see.

When we address our pain, traumas and insecurities – our self-esteem naturally grows, and we start being turned on by totally different kind of people. By those who show respect, are present physically and emotionally, are empathetic and attentive to our needs and feelings.

No, we dont have to force ourselves to like the guy(or girl) we find boring and unattractive.

But we do have to understand that pain, tears, destroyed self-esteem and health, feeling like a not-worthy-of-anything shit – is way too high price to pay for the crumbs of love and few moments of bodily sensations.

When we understand that and address the reasons which cause us to be attracted to crap – the attraction will naturally shift to those who reflect our growing self-worth, those who will reciprocate our feelings.

It is time to take a break. To step off of the emotional roller-coaster and stop living in the ocean of pain from the past. We can heal. We can have healthy, passionate relationships. We dont have to settle. We just have to accept the fact that the salvation is not out there. It’s here. Right now. Better future is not coming, it already did. You’ve waited long enough to know it.


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