More than a year into self-help and conscious changes journey – and I have realized that I didnt move even a bit.
I am standing on absolutely same spot as I was standing a year and half ago. Decorations change. Cities, people, jobs.
But my wounded and lost soul remains the same.
Smart books, videos, coaching programs…
Lots of wasted time and money.
And I didnt even begin the journey of understanding life.
Who am I? Where do I go? What do I want from life? Why my life isn’t working? Do I know how “working” looks like? Where do I start? Is “loving my job, traveling and having beautiful family” – all that I need from life? Do I want to reach greatness? Do I want to make an impact? Do I want to help others? Ever?
Where is that thin line between loving who and what you are and thriving for more? Between testing your limits and criticizing for failures? Between giving it all and overloading your mind and body?
Where do i stop? Where do I push more? Where is resistance to change and where is a warning of danger?
Where do I start changing myself? And to what? And why?
Aren’t we suppose to live happily with what we have in a now? Why do we need changes then? What does it even mean – to change my life?
Does it mean to reach all my dreams? How do I know those are my dreams and not society? How do I know that Im ready?
If the whole life is a holographic illusion and we create our reality with the power of mind – why doesnt it work?
What this life is really about? Enjoying simple things or reaching for more? Being happy with your body or testing its limits? Enjoying the taste of good food or fasting because it’s healthy? Why are we given tasty unhealthy food at first place? To suffer? To train discipline? To realize our soul power over mind cravings?
Why Eastern cultures are not thriving for more and just being? Why are they so calm? Why Western cultures are so anxious? Why do I feel anxious if I do nothing, while the whole Buddhist concept is about relaxing into the moment? Why coaches of all cultures teach us to always crave growth and learning, at the same time saying that we need to love where we are?
I dont know where Im going. I dont know who I am. I dont know where I want to be. And I certainly dont know how to get there.
All I know is that I suffer. Not knowing what am I suppose to do with my life brings inevitable suffering to my soul, no matter how much im trying to shut it off with emotional eating, crazy love stories, pretty clothes and countless amount of self-help books.
My life as I know it simply doesnt work anymore. I can’t go back to the old style living, but I can’t quite figure out how my new style should look like…