Overcoming neediness and anxiety in relationships

There are no right or wrong decisions in life, there are only those which work and those which don’t, considering the results you want to get.

Neal Donald Walsh

Being needy in relationships is considered weak and pathetic. We dont want to appear as those obsessive girlfriends and boyfriends everyone is pointing fingers at : Look, that crazy ex again! Omg he is a maniac!

But the truth is, everyone is needy to a certain degree. Starting with the need for love from your parents, and ending with love from your own kids – we are wired to crave deep connections and love from others.

And there is nothing wrong with it.

Who you are is enough. There is nothing wrong with you at all.

Alan Watts

There is nothing wrong with you being needy. You are not broken, fucked up or an outcast just because you are obsessed with your crush.

The Universe is perfectly balanced, and for every needy person – there is another person who wants to be with just such person. If everyone is happy – then fuck the rules that say that you have to behave in a certain way in order to be “good enough” for relationships.

If you are happy with the results you are getting – then forget all the standards, and keep on being yourself.

The actions are needed only if you are not happy with what you are getting. If you attract the same type of people or experiences which you dont like. If you constantly suffer and feel like a shit. If you are attracted to other people who confirm that to you – then it is time to change your behavior.

When a man suddenly disappears from your life while you thought you had a nice evening yesterday. When he has no time for you the whole week but suddenly calls you and wants to meet in 30 mins because this is the only free spot he has for the next century. Those are the signs that maybe you want to change something in order to get different results.

Neediness – is just a habit of craving external validation. It’s valuing someone’s opinion higher than your own. Maybe because of your authoritative parents. Maybe they suppressed any expression of freedom in you. Maybe they neglected and ignored you often. Maybe they never appreciated you no matter how hard you tried. And so you’ve learned that you have to try very hard in order to earn love and feel good about yourself.

To overcome this obsession with external approval – first of all realize that it’s not about that guy(girl). He is just a guy. A normal, common human being with his own flaws and mistakes.

It’s all about you.

What are you afraid of not receiving if he disappears? What does his attention give to you? Maybe you dont feel attractive? Charming? Smart? Capable? Maybe you think you are nothing unless he confirms you the opposite?

How does it make you feel when he writes/calls/ gives attention?

Wanted maybe. Important. Significant. That you matter. That you are liked.

What are you afraid will happen if he doesnt call?

You will never feel attractive again? You’ll never feel worthy because he was the only one who ever payed attention to you?

In the moments of anxiety for his attention take a deep breath and ask yourself:

What am I craving in this moment? What the little child in me is trying to reproduce? What am I afraid of?

He is just a boy. He has no authorization to evaluate your worthiness. He doesnt know you that well. Only you know yourself enough. Only you can decide whether you are a catch or a piece of shit. Noone else will try to convince you that you are amazing, and if they do – you won’t believe them anyway.

So give yourself whatever you are craving from others. People come and go, some stay for longer, but they’ll eventually separate from you anyway. It is silly to rely your worthiness on something so unstable.

Do you really want to put the responsibility for your happiness and worthiness on someone who can disappear at any moment?

You can’t control other people’s actions. You can’t influence their opinion about you. Their opinion is based on their own life experience, and has nothing to do with you. They are more worried about receiving their own external validation than they are about you feeling like a shit.

So give them and yourself a break.

When you need him to confirm that you are attractive, instead say to yourself: I am frikkin attractive and charming. I am a catch. Who the fuck he is to tell me that im nothing and put me on the last place in his priorities?

Dont be afraid to “lose” people. Realize that no one wants to feel suffocating in their own life. You dont want to be stalked by someone neither. You dont want to feel like in a cage with no space and air. So why do you think others want it?

Give yourself the approval you seek. Work on your root cause – change something in your social status, physical appearance or condition, if that’s what is bothering you. Or accept things the way they are if you can’t change them. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved by others. Your life doesnt have to be perfect to be loved by you.

Free yourself from the need for unstable validation from others, and rely on the only thing that will stick with you forever – you.

2 thoughts on “Overcoming neediness and anxiety in relationships

  1. Kam

    Oh my Lord, I watched the interview you had with Mofaul about your transformation. I will be honest because of “ learned cynicism” ( 😉) I wondered if some of it was an attempt to attract more customers! So I immediately checked out your blog. And then I knew it was true and Mofaul really wanted to share the joy she had in facilitating the inner work you did to reach this point of happiness and give back by making everyone aware of your blog

    I listened to my inner voice fully in Match of this year and havd worked with a life coach. I already thought I understood what you write in this blog post but by working with her I really “ came home” and truly understood it. To the point that I am so much more happier in my home and environment. My work situation is different as I work in a very toxic environment and being happy and successful just inspires more attacks and undermining, however, it no longer effects me and means that I am a fun colleague, although I do have to listen to others hurts at behaviour towards them, but then I have learnt to be more open about my difficulties too – I am a boss working with toxic co – bosses! I reached the height of my profession by 34. So the inner voice I need to listen to is the one telling me that this life I am leading is too restrictive. That the conventional life is not the one for me. So I am accepting it fully for the first time – I have partly in the past, but now I fully embrace that my next step is to continue my work whilst beginning the journey of discovery regarding what else I will do and whether I will reduce my current work or stop it altogether in the coming years or just do it somewhere else with my discovery of the other thing or things!! Because I accept myself I now accept that this less travelled path is a part of my future and I am brave enough to embark on it to discover the gift that I wish to give to the world. I thought being a doctor would have been it – but I want to make people happy just generally…. and children too.

    If I had not accepted myself, began to find extreme joy in the little things then the undermining at work would have negatively affected me but now I am still smiling and making my work colleagues smile whilst accepting inside that the in the coming months there is much soul searching but I am ready and not angry with myself for where I am already not being enough. I am ready to do the real work of discovering my path and not the path already written by my profession. And this means that I am excited by the discovery of my path and my expansion more than the discovery of a man to make my life happy or fulfilled.

    I understand the journey you took as I am part way through mine.

    This blog post was saying exactly what I think someone says when they have true self love . Thank you so much. I loved reading it. Your journey was genuine and I am so happy that you did it and in only 12 weeks. An absolute pleasure to have learned of you.

    I look forward to more ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Kam! Thank you very much for your warm comment and your story! I am glad you enjoyed reading my article. I do think that Mo will really help you on your journey. And I also had thoughts that it must be some scam or fraud before I enrolled ))))) I am glad you are discovering your path and opening new horizons. I think that no matter what path we choose – it can always lead to greatness. With a little help and a lot of our own efforts – we can thrive in every area. All the best to you!

      Like

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