In the last few years the concept of self-love has exploded. Millions of blog posts, videos and courses. Everyone, including myself, seems to be obsessed with this panacea for all the problems.
But if self-love – is all that is needed to change our life – why so many still suffer? Why I still suffer so regularly?
Didn’t Louise Hay say – just love yourself, and everything else will fall into place? Didn’t Kyle Cease, Wayne Dyer and so many others say – just be compassionate with yourself – and all that you want will come to you?
So why is it still not coming to me? My deepest desires are still nowhere close?
I’ve been reading, practicing, taking classes and hiring coaches. Ive accepted my scariest demons, uncovered the most shameful and traumatizing past experiences. I ve been working on letting go. I’ve been taking actions, as well as staying still, as they advice. I’ve been on an active journey for a year, plus many more years of just reading.
To me this sounds big enough for the practices to finally give fruits, doesnt it?
Now, I know that any overnight success – is in fact a long journey, if we look closer at it. And I do have first foundation steps towards my dream life. But still, it feels like Im only rearranging the furniture in my flat, but not actually starting a reconstruction.
So what am I doing wrong?
After reading yet another successful blog about change and transformation – it finally hits me (well, I always think it’s “finally”, but then it appears to be just a tiny scratch on the surface):
What I considered self-love was just self-pity.
Is it really self-love to eat all the chocolate I have for a week in one hour, and then “just be compassionate with myself”?
Is it self-love when I do nothing the whole day, then beat myself up for being lazy, but then sugar-coat it with “Abraham Hicks says it’s not laziness, it’s allowing!”
Is it really self-love when I know I feel good after each yoga exercise, but I constantly skip them, excusing it with “I was not aligned with it today”, but then secretly hating myself for being lazy?
That is not self-love, it’s self-pity, or sometimes self-hate. It’s a habit to always feel like a failure and do just about everything to stay in this state.
But I can not trick the Universe. Pretending to love myself, but ignoring huge dissatisfaction on the background – will bring just it: pretending to love myself, but huge dissatisfaction on the background.
Allowing myself to eat a lot of chocolate, just to again numb that inner yearning for action, knowing that I ll feel physically sick and mentally guilty, for just few minutes of satisfaction from “loving myself by giving me what I want”. That sounds like the worse under-cover self-hate.
When we love someone, be it our child, partner, parent or friend – we dont want to feed him with tons of chocolate because he wants it. We don’t want our ill parent to smoke because he wants so. We don’t want our friend to drink heavily because he can’t live without it.
We want what is best for them in a long-term.
But very often it is really hard to uncover what our soul wants and differentiate it from the temporary needs of our ego.
I do believe that our mind is unlimited. I do believe in those miraculous experiments where people were only imagining exercising – and the effect on the body was the same as after a real physical action.
I do believe that Buddhists, spiritual teachers and speakers have really trained their mind to the point that they can only relax – and everything will happen. Or they can tell their mind that eating tons of chocolate is healthy – and they will remain so.
But what I understood is that every person is different, and has his own unique journey. What works for others – will never work 100% same for me.
I have my unique bad and good life experiences, which made me who I am, and which built my beliefs, whether they are limiting or liberating. And I have to find my own unique way of working with them and growing.
“Allowing by doing nothing” doesn’t work for me, at least not on this level of consciousness. So I’d better find a way of allowing without feeling as a lazy coach potato. If putting on make up makes me feel beautiful – I ll go and do just it. If I think that I need to take a lot of actions towards my dream job – I’d better start taking them.
Intuition, or Inner guidance is just this: that background feeling behind anything we do(or don’t do). And we’d better find a way how to stop ignoring it.