Most of the people, to one degree or another, are playing games and pretend to be someone they aren’t. We all build up walls, wear masks, and the height of these walls depends on whom we are talking to right now.
We all are afraid to be seen for who we are, for we think that who we are is not lovable.
But what is worse than playing games and hiding from others – is when we pretend and lie to ourselves.
Starting from childhood, we collect the reactions of adults on our actions. And we start noticing that being who we are invokes rage, anger and rejection. And so each small rejection adds one more brick to our protection wall.
With years we learn that expressing our feelings is bad. And so instead we are trying to numb them. To push them deep inside of us, so that nobody ever sees it. So that even we dont see it.
And so with the years of expressing feelings, getting rejections, then suppressing the pain – we stop feeling anything. We forget who we are. We play games so often, that we start believing that this cold arrogant distant person – is me.
But the emotions and feelings are not going anywhere. They are constantly trying to show up. And then we start using distractions. Alcohol, drugs, smoking, sex, TV, complaining endlessly with friends, extreme sports. Anything. Whatever will keep our mind focused and distracted from facing what’s going on inside.
But with numbing the pain – we also numb the ability to love.
I’ve met a lot of men(this is especially common for men, however also women) who date and marry, but don’t love. Who sleep with women, but never build deep connections.
And they truly want to love, some admitted it. But they dont know how.
“He is not in touch with his feelings” – is exactly this. The person numbed his pain for so long, that he can’t reach for emotions such as love or compassion. When the connection gets a bit too close – he is scared as hell that he will have to feel that pain again, which he was trying to numb so hard
And so he runs. Not from the partner. But from himself.
For women it’s often the opposite. We are overly obsessed with a man, because loving him and then suffering and analyzing his behavior – is another way of distracting ourselves from inner pain. From analyzing our behavior.
But then something unfortunate happens. Bad accident, illness, loss of the family member, bankruptcy, job loss, or a breakup. Whatever was distracting the person from his feelings – is usually taken away from him to wake up.
The pain is unbearable. He feels scared, helpless, and lonely. The pain is so strong, that he can no longer deny it. There is no more space inside of his soul to push it down again, and so he lets it out.
And this is the moment called “crack open”. He lets himself feel the pain, which slowly triggers all other buried feelings.
And from then on the person wakes up. He stops denying that he is also a human, and he has a right to feel. He lets himself feel abandoned or rejected. Lonely or helpless. And slowly he also starts to feel love again. And from that moment his life takes off.
I believe that there is no single person on this planet who by the nature is not capable of feeling deep. There are only people who pretend or people who forgot.
When we are very little we are sad when we lose a toy. We are sad when we are not taken care of. We are happy when our mom plays with us. We are happy when we feel loved. We express our sadness fully and in an instant we forget and move on and play again.
We all have been like this. But our upbringing made us forget.