Im starting to heavily question my life. Every single moment when I catch myself mulling a negative thought and scaring myself with it – I stop, and I start doubting it.
– That guy abandoned me! I must not be good enough! But what if he really loves me but afraid to express it? Afraid to get hurt? Seriously, what if that is true?
– Boss hates me! What if he simply feels threatened by me?
– Going to the state institutions is pain in the ass, a lot of bureaucracy and it’s a waste of time. What if it’s not true? What if going to such places is pleasure? Fast, smiling staff, all clear in minutes?
– I must have a plan for my life, and strictly follow it. I must continuously achieve something! No time for rest! What if I dont? What if I lived that way before because it was what I’ve learned from surroundings?
– Depilation is frikkin painful! What if doesnt have to be? What if I imagine myself smiling and having fun during the process? What will happen then?
What if all that they told us in classes of history, physics, chemistry – is not necessary true?
What if we start questioning every single thing we get in touch with?
How the electricity was invented? The Internet? Planes? Cars? Phones? These things didn’t exist before. Go back to 19 century and tell them that in 100 years they will be able to see each other any minute and from any place they want, denying all the laws of time-space reality. And please add that you know it for sure, because you are from the future where these things already exist. They will call you an ambulance.
What if the time really does not exist? And it’s just programmed in our human brains that time is passing, and we are getting older with each day.
How would you explain then, when you are with your loved one and having a great time, or when you are on a roller coaster and pumped up with adrenaline – the time passes so quickly? And when you are at the boring meeting, or waiting for some event to happen – the hours seem to be like days?
How will you explain that you never have time for something you dont want to do or dont find important, and there is always time to watch a movies, or cook, or talk with a friend for hours?
What if pain is an illusion too? No matter how cliche it sounds. Or sounds like im just quoting great Buddha.
But Im really questioning pain. Whether physical or emotional. We think that that particular thing or person will hurt us, and so it does. We think so, our friends think so, and our parents, and grandparents and many many of our ancestors thought so too. Who knows at what time this pain idea started?
It’s hard to get trough the illusion of generations. So of course I do feel a lot of pain. But im starting to question it daily.
What if that concept of pain was simply created as another way to limit ourselves?
All living beings are afraid of pain. It’s our survival instinct. But it’s also limiting.
What if we stop avoiding pain so much and not take it as something bad and negative? But simply feel it and go trough it?
When I allow myself to feel emotional pain – that pain dissolves within minutes.
When I had my last illness and a lot of pain and itchiness with it – at some point I could no longer ease it with any medicine, and so I allowed it to be. Just stayed there, feeling that whole pain and discomfort. And it disappeared within hours…
It is same with meditation. Before I was meditating for no longer than 15 minutes. I always thought that if Im bored and annoyed – that’s the sign that im done for today.
But in fact, this boredom and irritation – is an illusion of your mind. Your ego is scared, because discomfort means something new. And something new – means death to ego. It’s when you stay with it and fully feel whatever comes up – discomfort, pain, impatience, need to be somewhere else – then it dissolves.
Now I meditate for 1 hour each day. It’s magical how lonely, impatient, anxious I feel before, and how peaceful, hopeful and loving I feel after.
What if all that we know – is not true?
What if we are really limitless and those aren’t just empty words?
What if we test it by simply questioning all our thoughts, beliefs and perceptions of reality?