Today I’ve heard a definition of a word depression from Kyle Cease (LOVE this guy):
Depression is you judging your negative feelings.
That made a lot of sense to me. Our society labels everything, and all negative emotions are marked as bad, and all positive are associated with success. So when we feel sadness or loss or loneliness – we consider ourselves as a total failure.
We are trying to avoid and escape any negative feelings. Any pain, abandonment, rejection – we dont wanna feel it, dont want to admit that we feel it, and as soon as it slightly touches our soul – we run in panic: Oh no, not again. Lonely again??? No! Im suppose to feel good!
And we go out and pretend and use positive affirmations, or maybe we just shutdown the whole world and go to our lonely apartment and beat ourselves up for not being good enough for this society. It’s only me who feels so bad, the whole world is a blossoming collection of success and happiness!!
We consider crying weak. Especially for men. Opening up about feelings, speaking about emotions – as silly or not professional. So we suppress these emotions. We hate them for showing up. We feel bad that it’s only we who suck so much.
The ads on the TV and internet convince us that if we feel bad about ourselves – not beautiful enough, not slim enough, not traveling enough – all we have to do is to buy their service or product, and it will fix our misery.
We go and buy their product and we are happy for a day. Or two. Or not happy at all. And then we come back to our not good enough state.
And suicides. Why there are so many of them between celebrities? Of course, unknown people do that too, but . .celebrities? Who have money, fame, friends – all they could ever dream of?
I watched recently a TED talk of a model Cameron Russel. She said that she felt insecure while being a model because people expect her to always be perfect. Always looking like she is just from the podium.
In the book “The bridge across forever” Richard Bach touches the same topic with his actress friend.
People make an unrealistic image of a celebrity in their minds, and then they admire it. And then if the actress would go out to the nearest shop to buy bread without makeup – it would be everywhere in the news: Look how ugly she truly is!
The world would not forgive her for this.
The celebrities do not have a chance to be themselves. To be imperfect. To let the guards down. To cry when they need. To feel ugly, not enough, not cool, not in control. They must always be in control, or else the world will knock them down.
Whom will we admire then, if EVEN celebrities are not perfect? Whom should we follow? How do we know where we should aim to reach? How will we know how to dress and what being successful means? Who will be our example to show us how miserable we are in comparison?
No.no. Celebrities MUST be perfect. We will make them perfect, and they’d better correspond.
The same with all other people. We want to take our lives when we feel we are not accepted by this world for who we are. We beat ourselves up for not being that beautiful, that successful, that optimistic. We feel sad, lonely and rejected, and that just proves how bad we are. By judging our feelings – we fall down the drain even more.
To be accepted by others – we MUST be perfect at all times. And if we are not – we are nothing.
Many years ago I had suicidal thoughts because of the guy. I know how it sounds, but the reason was never in guys.
I never felt loved and accepted, except for few crumbs of affection from this guy for the first time in my life. It felt so good, to be noticed and accepted by someone, even if for a little while.
I was ready to suffer all that time he didn’t care about me, just to wait for the next time when he’ll show me love again. And when all of a sudden he refused to give it to me and rejected completely – I felt that my world is collapsing, and I will never feel loved again. Life stopped making any sense.
Feeling loved and accepted by others is a driving force in our world. And if we dont get it – we lose touch with reality and do all sorts of crazy things, from suicides to terrorism and wars.
But very often we dont understand that before we can accept ourselves, truly, wholeheartedly accept, with our positivity and negativity, with our creativity and stagnation, clarity and confusion, with all weirdness, differences from others, until we feel all that pain which tries to be released, all those past rejections and abandonments – until we can accept that all first – acceptance from others will not work – it will never be enough.
I am glad my suicidal tendency is gone now, and I am glad I am now where I am. It is far from perfect, and far from super positive. But it is totally okay.
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
Ralph Waldo Emerson