It’s been a tough month for me. I quit my job. I got involved with a man who can’t be with me due to the circumstances. I ended it. I got sick 3 times. And I felt so bad as I never felt before in my entire life.
Before the flu knocked me down – I had real deal of depression over my life. I guess I underestimated the impact of quitting daily job without having any other job. It freaked me out. Although I did not want to withdraw my decision, I did not realize how stressful it actually is to not have any plan.
Slowly my life full of hopes turned into a life full of depression. I blamed God for creating our meaningless existence. I screamed at him that all his creations do not make sense. I do not make sense. Why do we need to suffer so much? Why do we need to love and get attached and then get abandoned? Why do we need wars, hatred, illnesses and all that pain?
I did not see the meaning of my days. I did not find joy in usually joyful activities. Everything felt dull, meaningless and useless. I stopped doing most of the things I was so excited about before.
And then the flu hit me. Knocked me down. I never had such high fever before. I never had so horrible headache. I could not move even one muscle. I could not see clearly. And yet I had to gather last drops of energy and stand up and go out in search of medicine. Only to find out that everything is closed over the weekend.
I went back home and realized how fucked up it is. I have noone to ask for help.
I have friends of course. But not so close to ask them to find and bring me the medicine.
I tried to sleep. Minutes seemed to be hours. I started to pray to God. To either send me a relief or to take my life. I could barely breathe.
I could not decide whether to call an ambulance or quietly accept that it’s over…
I will never forget how I felt.
I thought my end is close. And there is noone around. I did not think about how much money I’ve earned. I did not care what brand of cosmetics I use. I didnt for a second think that I didn’t get a chance for another vacation. I did not worry that I might have been too much or not enough for someone. I did not care what position I have at my work. It did not matter how many languages I speak.
All I wanted at those moments was to feel alive again. And for someone to be there with me and help me get trough it. For someone to care.
I felt helpless. In pain. And lonely. And I never want to feel that way again.
In the end, I did reach out for help. I found a medicine.
I recovered quite quickly. I felt alive and happy for 2 days. And then I got hit by another illness. Some old chronic illness I hoped I’ll never see again. It hit me with a power I never seen before. It knocked me down one more time.
I recovered from it too. I feel alive again. Immediately I realized that I have to change my life. I threw out all junk food. Started cooking, making salads, doing yoga daily, returned to gym to run. I stopped skipping my daily meditations. I set an intention to heal that reoccurring illness no matter what it costs me. I comited to take care of my health and never abandon myself again.
I started to appreciate people. Not that I did not appreciate those around me, but I now realized that there is really nothing more important than people who care about you. There is really nothing more worthy than connecting with people on a deeper level.
It all comes down to people. Our positions, money, experiences, beauty and prestige – all is there only to be appreciated by others. You will not need money if there is no other human being on this planet except you. You don’t need experiences and travels if you don’t have anyone to share it with. Your fancy car would mean nothing if you had to drive it across an empty planet.
Even your knowledge, your skills. It’s there to help others. Or to be admired by others. It’s not there for you. You don’t need to speak 5 languages if you have noone to speak to.
Health and relationships -it all what really matters. I’ve been keeping safe distance from friends and partners, only not to get rejected or abandoned. No longer. Yes, people might hurt or leave me. But I’ve realized that the time we spend together is so much worthy of any hurt that might follow.
No matter what happens in life – there is always a choice whether to be defeated by your circumstances and let them define you, or to keep feeling alive and full of energy and handle whatever comes with grace.
When you feel bad, remember that it could be worse. When you feel you dont have enough – remember that you won’t take your money with you when you leave the Earth. All is well as long as you can breathe, walk and talk. And as long as you have people to be there for you in your worse.
Everything else can be fixed.