I’ve been chasing men for many years. Since age of 17 or 18. I haven’t been too crazy about it, however. I was not stalking them, or forcing to something, or threatening or anything like that. Luckily for me, my chase for love was always limited to calling and texting them hundred of times, or maximum – trying to go to the events which my prey was attending.
With the time I realized how pathetic that behavior is and I stopped. I would contact the guy few times and then realize he is not interested and then I would stop contacting. But that does not mean the problem was gone: I still kept on dreaming about subject of my attention, dreaming how he realizes how much he loves me and comes(back) to me begging for love.
And so in dreaming about someone and fixating my attention on him arriving to my doorstep – I lost many days, weeks and months.
When I didnt have any specific person to focus on – I would create some in my imagination. Or I would pick the first new guy I met – and make him “the one” and start fantasizing about him.
This madness had to stop. And it did, during last year of huge personal transformations.
Feeling completely free from grasp of past lovers, now I can soberly evaluate why I had such need to dream about someone.
It was an escape from reality.
Dreaming about a lover who comes to my door and saves me from myself – was very appealing to me.
My reality was so boring. I was so unlovable. My job is boring. I am not that pretty and cool and smart. My life is not that interesting. I am not that interesting. I need to find someone who thinks I am interesting. Who makes my life interesting.
Love adventures are interesting. Nothing else is so exciting and blood rushing as “love” roller-coasters. Fighting, breaking up, making up, receiving flowers, breaking up again. That excites. That makes me feel alive. That makes me feel.
For someone else it might be drugs. Or extreme sports. Or alcohol. Or parties. Or work.
All addictions make us feel alive, help us justify our existence. They help us to escape boring, meaningless reality. And at the same time, they help us numb the pain. Because we so want to feel love, but we are so afraid to feel the pain…
Without additions we don’t see the point of living. We don’t feel as good as under drugs or love spell. So we keep on coming for more, even though we know that we’ll be in pain again when it’s gone. So we rush for the dose again, to avoid that pain. And we get high and we want to stay there forever. There, where the life seems to have a meaning. There, where you feel happy and alive.
But there comes a moment when the pain of not having your drug is too strong – it is the moment when you start to wake up. And you start to understand that something is not right. And that you are sick to live a miserable life.
And then you aim for bigger meaning of your existence and you start to pray. You long for connection with God and higher powers. You start to love yourself. You start to separate yourself from your jobs, relationships, sports, money, awards, diseases, and even from your own thoughts.
You realize that you have to find your strength somewhere else and not to be attached to external things. For if you lose them at some point – you will always be in pain.
And so you go within and start pilling of layers of labels.
When you remove the labels – like being a wife, mother, CEO, cleaning lady, jobless, sporty, fat, having car, not having car, having friends, not having anybody, being negative, being positive, being ill, being healthy – you become completely naked. You realize that you still exist even without all the roles. You are still here. You breathe. And your heart is beating.
And then you meet yourself.
Only when you are naked – you can start hearing your tiny inner voice. You can start honoring your being. Your soul. You can start identifying what you really want in life. You can start being happy.
And when you start hearing your voice – you start building a meaningful life. When you do the things which matter to you – you automatically start feeling purpose.
And the need for drugs automatically drops.
I never forced myself to stop smoking, drinking or chasing men. I’ve been doing it all for a decade. And then, one bye one, I just stopped.
No fight, no struggle, no tears.
The need to justify my existence is gone. The need to numb my pain is gone. I allowed myself to feel all that pain of past hurts and pointless existence, I faced my fears and shadows – and all of a sudden I dropped all unresolved connections with past lovers.
I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t party hard, don’t chase love.
I live in the moment and Im building meaningful life, step by step. Every day. I cultivate self love. I pray to God.
My life is finally starting to have a purpose.