Unconditional love vs. boundaries

They say we are supposed to love unconditionally. That when we truly love someone – we love them as they are, and we don’t try to change them.

But what if that person crosses your boundary? Are you suppose to react? Should you forgive and forget? Should you try to change your perspective?

Where is that borderline anyway? That tiny line between assertiveness and arrogance? Between giving love and being a doormat?

From my perspective – the answers to all our questions come from self-love. Yes, we should love other people unconditionally, but we should love ourselves first. When you don’t love and respect yourself unconditionally – you will always love others in the same way. Conditionally.

Loving another person does not mean that you suck it up when (s)he goes over you. When your guts tell you that something is odd – you have to react. Respect yourself enough to speak up. Assertively, but not aggressively. You don’t have to tell another person what a trash or how stupid he is. You don’t have to assume that your partner doesn’t love you anymore and will leave, or that boss will fire you, or that this friend is a piece of crap and you will never talk to him again.

All you have to do is speak up your feelings.

When your intuition tells you that this is not how loving partner should treat you – speak up. When you feel that your boss or colleague gives you tasks which are way above your responsibilities – speak up. When you feel that your friend is lying to you – speak up.

You have the right to feel what you feel, even if they don’t see it in the same way.

Unapologetically tell your perspective, and that you don’t think they should behave in this way. And see what happens. Normally when you express your opinion, especially if it’s totally out of that opinion of the majority – people will start to respect you.

Maybe you’ve got this situation totally wrong, and after clarifying – you will understand it and change your perspective.

Maybe they did cross your line, but it was not intentionally, and they are very much willing to correct it.

But of course, it might be the case that the person is not going to change anything and thinks that (s)he did it right. Then, it is time for you to decide whether you can accept it or lovingly let go.

You don’t have to turn to a bitch, but you don’t have to be a doormat neither. Just speak up. Don’t build walls where you can build bridges.

Love another person, understand their perspective, understand that they also act out of fears and wounds. But value your own peace more than anything else.

If another human being lost touch with himself – there is nothing you can do about it. It’s his own job to fix it. Accept it and forgive him, but love yourself enough to walk away and not to carry his life’s burdens on you. You have more than enough of your own.

We think that if we stick for long enough, explain how wrong they are for thousand times – they will change and we will have peace and paradise. But it doesn’t work that way.

If you explain to someone how he hurt or disrespected you – he has a choice. If that person is conscious enough – he ‘ll do everything not to intentionally hurt you again. But if he is wrapped up in his ego and does not hear his own inner voice – he will not hear you. The only thing you can do is to walk away from the situation. Very often your disappearing act will wake him up. Or the Universe will replace that person with someone else. Sometimes we need to break old to build something new.

Check with yourself each time you have to take a decision or react to someone’s actions. And if under the pressure you reacted not in the way you would like to – be okay with dealing with it post factum. It’s okay to change your mind. Go ahead and speak up anyway. Even if after 1 hour, 1 day or 1 year. If it’s still in your memory and bothers you and builds a wall between you and that person – it’s worth speaking.

We lose so many relationships and connections because of stupid misunderstandings and not expressed anger. We swallow our protests and pain, and then we are wondering When did it all go wrong? When did I lose myself? How did I end up in such mess…

 

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