Dare to thrive in the darkness

Positive thinking concept is raising. At every corner, they scream how positive affirmations transform your life. You have to repeat them daily, over and over again, and your life will dramatically change.

But while it’s true that what you think in your head – you receive in your life – pure positive thinking is not the solution to your life dramas.

After chasing and looking for permanent state of bliss for quite some time – I realized that I’ve been looking in a wrong direction. Repeating positive statements works, but only temporary. I always, with super regularity, was falling down, again and again. From the unstoppable feeling of bliss to a total break down and exhaustion.

When I break down, previous state of bliss seems fake and elusive. I was always feeling like something is missing. After all this work and time, Im still missing part of me. At first, I thought Im missing my past lover who left abruptly. Then, after realizing that nobody is able to complete me – I had no choice but to go inward.

I was still missing out something important. And I could not find what was it.

Until my last break down.

I woke up. I realized that I was missing me. My darkness. The negative part of me. I completely rejected it, not willing to look at it.

We all have to be super positive and friendly, nobody likes negativity.

So I was desperately practicing self – love, not realizing that I’m completely rejecting half of me. The missing part…

It’s easy to love what is lovable. I am supportive, compassionate, beautiful, organized and many many other good things.

Not so easy to love what is considered bad.

Im also bored. Im in pain. I get angry, pissed off, frustrated. I easily fall into depression and self-pity. I often get scared and then I get furious and then I blame. I can’t forgive that easily and often get stuck on someone because of that. I don’t like desk jobs. I want to be a singing star, but Im scared as hell of my own dreams.

Go ahead and try to love that part of me… Not an easy task…

But there is no other way. You either accept yourself fully, with all your weirdness and quirks, or you will spend your whole life searching for something. And not finding.

I gave myself permission to be bad when I need it. To feel bad. I swore to never betray myself again and give love, no matter what happens. I promised myself unconditional love. And Im planning to keep the promise.

 

 

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