I’ve been stuck on “love of my life” for almost 3 years. I went trough stages of deep love and deep hatred. I considered him to be my soul mate, then a twin flame, then I considered submitting myself to the mental hospital.
But taking into account my spiritual growth – this part of me could not stay in my life any longer. Vibration of constant grief and suffering must have been healed.
So I’ve been praying for relief for months. Sometimes I felt peace, then again deep sorrow. And although I felt huge difference – I could not let him go completely.
But I knew I don’t want to spend another months or years in a cage of pain, I want to be free! I kept on praying, meditating and asking the questions:
How to handle it? What do I need to know? Why do I still need this pain?
As always, it took time, but answers came. I woke up different today. Remembering that guy seems like a distant memory and does not bring up any emotions. Just like that, with no fireworks or drum beats, silently, it’s finally gone.
I will share 3 key points which helped me to understand why I could not let go.
1. We are afraid that “we will never get over it and heal and will never be able to love again”
I certainly did, and repeated it so many times to myself. No wonder that this is what I received. Although I realized how ridiculous it sounds if I imagine myself in 10, 20 or 30 years. But whenever I returned to the now, I could not see the way out. So eventually I changed my mantra to:
I can heal. I can move on. I can love again.
2. We don’t want to let go
Yes, we say that all we want is to let go of that pain. It hurts to think about him not being here. Or re-think how much he hurt us in the past.
But deep inside we don’t want to. At least it’s familiar. At least we find ease by fantasizing of how it could all have been nice. At least in our hearts, he is still here, and maybe he will be back one day. We are afraid to be completely alone. Even if in physical we already are – it’s much scarier to let go also in the mind.
You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone.
Richard in “Eat, pray, love”
3. We are control freaks
Obsession, or any kind of worry – is lack of faith. Lack of trust in divine. Inability to let go and disconnection from God. We don’t trust life to provide for us, to bring us the best solution. We think that if we loosen control for just a minute – it all will fall apart.
We are trying to control how this relationship should have gone. In our head it was such a nice story of happily ever after. And when the story did not go that way – we got really pissed off and angry. We try to force it to go that way. Even when it’s long gone, in our mind we are still trying to find ways how to bring it back and finally make it work.
Listen, you’re a powerful woman and you’re used to getting what you want out of life, and you didn’t get what you wanted in your last few relationships and it’s got you all jammed up. Your husband didn’t behave the way you wanted him to and David didn’t either. Life didn’t go your way for once. And nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin’ her way.
same Richard in “Eat, pray, love”
So true. I had such a nice scenario for both of us, and all of a sudden he doesn’t act according to it! While all previous boyfriends did. How could he do it???
Hey, where are you going? – I would say – According to my scenario, now you bring me flowers and confess you feelings!
Hey, don’t you hear me? Where are you going??? Come back and act according to the script!
When I realized that I wasn’t stuck on him, but rather on my own story of our life together – I let go within seconds.
I know how it might sound to someone who is in the middle of emotions and feelings. Year or two ago I would say:
This is all bullshit! I just love him! That’s why im stuck!
But don’t you think that if you really loved him and not your story of him – you would trust that he does what is the best for him? That by not being with you – he simply listens to his intuition and feelings?
Another reason I was afraid to completely let go was my thought:
What if he comes back and I already gave up on him?
But it’s just another form of control, this time of my own feelings. If he is back and im not emotionally available anymore – then this is exactly how it should be.
If you ask the Universe for everlasting love – it does not mean that it will come the way you imagined it. It does not mean that it will come with the person you wanted it to come. Trust that it’s coming, but let the Universe decide on details.
Whatever are your reasons for not letting go – understand that it’s only about you. Something beneficial is there for you. It’s not him, it’s never about another person. There is something you dont want to face, dont want to work on.
But if you really really want to heal, and if you put your own happiness above all – solution will always come.
Everything passes. Everything heals. Life is all about changing and not staying on one place. It will be gone, but it depends only on you how much pain you are willing to tolerate.