I have to admit that after almost 1 year on spiritual journey – sometimes I still struggle with believing in God. I do believe in higher power above all, but due to my worthiness issues – I constantly doubt that God really wants the best for me.
I also constantly doubt my ability to talk to God at anytime of the day. I was asking for help or signs, and when I did not receive them – I would doubt his existence and my own sanity.
What a hell am I doing? Is it even real? OK, Im officially losing faith in existence of some Higher, contactable power.
Elizabeth Gilbert in her bestseller “Eat, pray, love” describes her own struggle with faith:
At the beginning of my spiritual experiment, I didn’t always have such faith in this internal voice of wisdom. I remember once reaching for my private notebook in a bitter fury of rage and sorrow, and scrawling a message to my inner voice – to my divine interior comfort – that took up an entire page of capital letters:
“I DO NOT FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!”
After a moment, still breathing heavily, I felt a clear pinpoint of light ignite within me, and then I found myself writing this amused and ever-calm reply:
Who are you talking to, then?
After reading this I got chills. And never doubted my faith again.
Because really, no matter how many times I prayed and didn’t receive, or asked for an answer and heard silence, no matter how many times I doubted existence of loving power of God – I keep returning to Him and I keep praying. I keep asking, complaining, connecting and believing.
They say we have been placed on this planet on a quest to experience human life. That we won a lottery, because not every energy being gets to live a life on Earth. They say, we have agreed to forget of who we are, for the quest is about remembering it and expanding on the way.
I believe them.
I believe them, because I feel at peace when I do. As soon as I stop believing – I feel emptiness and fear.
I also think that we haven’t forgot everything. That inner voice which is calling us for actions, that feeling of emptiness which causes us to question life – it’s a seed of remembering. It’s a weak, but constant light in the tunnel, to make it possible for us to awaken.
And we get to chose what to do with it. If we follow it – the light grows and life becomes easy and joyful. When we decide to ignore it and fill the void with addictions – life becomes pain. But we are never stuck. We have our personal connection channel with the divine at any moment of life.
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
God in Eat, pray, love
God loves you. God has a plan. It might be hard to grasp it with your mind, but when you turn around after some time, you ll see that whatever happened (or didn’t) – was only a blessing.
All that you really need – is already with you. You don’t have to struggle, don’t have to chase, don’t have to envy. You just have to let go of your own version of a story and embrace what’s coming.
When you get no instant reply to your prayer – it’s because of your own belief system. You don’t actually believe that you can receive an instant, divine response. But you will always receive it in the way which will not destroy your perception of reality.
I always wanted to receive some sign of “divine intervention” – whether a soft wind inside my flat, or moving subjects around, or flash of light. But I didnt realize how terrified I would actually be if I saw something like that! Im afraid of any extra sound when Im alone, I would probably lose my mind seeing something moving.
So God sends me messages in the most comfortable way – with articles, people, events. Random words on bigboards, overheard phrases, songs.
All human beings want to belong and believe in something bigger in order to explain their existence. Everybody chooses his own path trough religions, science, love, unified field – the names don’t matter. Ultimately they all are paths to God.
Your Higher self, or God – is part of you. Believe that it knows you more than you know yourself. Believe that it really wants only the best for you.