I have always dreamed to be surrounded by honest people. I was angry each time someone lied to me, pretended to be something they weren’t, or promised something and then didn’t do it.
When I was meeting absolutely honest, opened people – I was mesmerized. I envied them. I wanted to keep them around, but they seemed to always slip away.
I was sure I deserve to have such people around me, because hey, I am so honest with others! I was very proud of myself that Im able to tell the guy what a trash he is, or that Im able to send to hell my manager at work, or say to my best friend how shallow her behavior is. I was truly proud that I am able to say to someone’s face the same things which I say behind his/her back (in 90% of the time).
I was so sure I am doing it all right. And I was wondering why the hell Im still surrounded by assholes who like to bullshit and play games.
With all this pride with “being honest with others” I didn’t realize how much I lied to myself. I pretended to be direct person, when in fact I was hiding my own fears and failures behind arrogance and blame. I was unhappy with my own life choices, so I was very quick on judging same choices in others, in order to feel “not so bad” to myself.
I judged everything. Other’s intimate life, choices of partners, small achievements at work, all their addictions, failures, successes, beauty, ugliness … The list can go on.
You’ve become a manager? Pff, that is not an achievement! When you become president – then we can talk!
You choose that girl/guy? OMG , are you blind or something?
You are not married?? And having a kid?? What a shame! You should get married immediately!
I kept saying ugly things to people. Hurting them for no reason. And then wondering why people are not being honest with me.
I covered my lack of self-acceptance so well, I didn’t realize it for years. I hated myself for poor choices of partners. For working long 10 years in corporate world and not having any significant achievements. For having all sorts of addictions and not being able to get out of it. For craving for freedom but ending up in self-created cages. For not being pretty enough, not wearing the best clothes, not having the best body.
I hated each and every aspect of my own life, so when I saw the reflection of it in others – I was scared to hell to be exposed. So I attacked.
But behind all the mascarad my soul was craving for freedom, and my inner voice was praying for light.
In 2017, when I turned 30, something has shifted. Maybe it was realization that time is passing and Im wasting my life. Maybe it was a consequence of painful breakup in 2015. Nevertheless, in 2017 I started rapid self-discovery and spiritual development, and I let go of many negative habits.
Judgment is one of them, and it’s a big thing for me. With cultivating self-love and acceptance, I started to accept others too. I started to understand that nobody is perfect, and it’s okay. Everyone, including me, is trying to handle their life in best possible way, given all the variables like upbringing, country of origin, education, and many other. I started to see other’s “poor” choices as cool ones. I started to see my own choices as the best I could make at that point of time. I started to see God in me and in everyone.
Life became fun.
I overcame a lot of dramas and eliminated all addictions. I take my past(and present) as a playground and “bad” experiences as the greatest ones. I did have fun with all those people who hurt me, so why should I hold on to the pain? It’s foolish to punish myself in the now for the choices I made before, for if I didn’t make them – I would not be here. Probably, I would not write. Perhaps, I would not become so authentic and compassionate. Those circumstances, people and events were there for me – not necessarily to stay with me trough my entire life, but for long enough to push me into growth.
I send love to every person who lied to me in the past, it forced me to ask the question “why”.
I committed to be completely honest with myself, and maximally honest with others. I chose to be honest on my desires. I will not accept “not so bad” people and circumstances anymore, while all my Inner being longs for the best. I committed to dare to dream big and not settle until I say “YES” with all my fibers. I committed to never blame others for their “mistakes”, for if I judge them – means I judge something in me. Only when I see it – I can change it. I chose to see other’s behaviors as a beautiful tool for my own growth.