I grew up in a very restrictive family. I was forbidden to choose my activities. I was allowed to play, but only with the toys my parents approved. I was allowed to watch TV, but only programs chosen by my mom and dad. If I’ve got a toy which they didnt approve – it was thrown away to the trash bin.
One day, I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade of school, I secretly brought home my classmate’s special type of journal, where she gives a list of questions, and everyone else, one by one, has to answer them, add some nice pictures, stickers, and make it look nice.
So I brought it home with the intention to secretly fill it in, I was so excited!! But unfortunately for me, my mom has discovered my crime. I was immediately punished, but the worse was that the journal was ripped off and went straight to the trash bin….
I wanted to die..
I was horrified to come to school next day. How can I possibly explain to that girl that her perfect journal , with all those answers and beautiful pages from all other wonderful kids, is gone now???
That day was a nightmare. She called me a thief(or something similar). All other kids started to despise me and stay away from me. The only thing which kept people coming to me was that I was a top pupil in my whole school in all subjects. People were coming to me for help, but I could feel that they don’t take me as “one of them”.
I have sworn to myself and God that I will never, ever do anything without permission again. And I kept my promise.
Up until recent months my life was ruled by permissions from others. Permission to grow, permission on books to read, drinks to choose, even permission on my reactions to other’s people actions! I could not decide what is good and what is bad until I got some confirmation from somebody else. I could not make my own decisions.
It all started to be cleared with my spiritual growth. One by one, my wounds from the past start to come to the surface so that I can heal them. With pain and tears, through moments of deep despair, I come face-to-face with my issues, and then I pray to God to take it away and refill the space with love.
And it works.
Now I do not check with anybody before taking decisions. I do not value anybody’s opinion higher than my own. I do listen to other people, but I check with my own gut feeling before accepting someone else’s words.
I gave myself permission to want what I want. To enjoy the things which I enjoy. The things which are wrong for others – could be very much right for me. It’s their opinion, and they have a right for it. But it will not necessarily work for me.
Most powerful impact on my life had my own permission to be happy. It literally changed my life.
I said to myself, over and over again:
“I love myself. I don’t have to suffer as my parents did. I give myself permission to be happy.”
And I finally let go of a man who is no longer in my life, but who “made me suffer for over 2 years”. Now I realize that being stuck on him was simply the habit to suffer, and I didnt receive a permission from anyone to let him go.
“I give myself permission to let him go. I give myself permission to be happy and to love again”
Giving myself permission to live has transformed my life.
“Thank you God for helping me out with it”