I wrote an email to Oprah…

Dear Oprah,

I don’t even know why Im writing exactly to you. I just started to read a book Return to love, where Marianne Willamson mentioned you on acknowledgment page. I came home and burst in tears and I just had this silly idea in my head to write a letter, and to start it with “Dear Oprah”… I heard many stories where someone unknown writes to celebrity and they actually hear back from them.
So I am hoping to be that special case, and be heard by you. However, I am not writing about any extraordinary or outstanding idea which you may like and support. I don’t offer any help or any involvement in any humanitarian cause.
I seek help for myself. This email is about me .
I don’t know what to do with my life…With myself. I don’t see the meaning of me living and walking on this planet.
On the surface though, I am normal. And sometimes, quite often lately, I want to be normal. I want to get married, have kids, have some job and be satisfied with it.
But it’s not happening.
I start relationships and they fall apart immediately.
I come every day to work and it has no meaning and brings no satisfaction.
I started to grow spiritually and i was sure it will bring me all the answers, but it doesnt.
In fact, now I feel worse than before I touched spirituality – I feel im suppose to be positive and happy, but I am deeply unsatisfied and suffering.
I thought my purpose is writing a blog about life, but it doesnt bring joy anymore.
I thought my purpose is to be with love of my life. But that man doesnt want to be in my life.
I thought Ill be more happy with charity and volunteering work, but they didnt take me for the activity I signed up for. And I dont think it would change anything anyway.
I managed to raise my mood for a while. I managed to get small steps forward in career, in finding my soul calling, in understanding myself and growing as a person. I was writing gratitude journal daily, doing yoga,meditation, watching motivational speeches. I was “happy” for a while. I thought Im starting to figure out life.
I was wrong. I was energized and happy for a while, but I failed to make any significant change in my life.
Working doesnt make sense to me anymore. Going out with friends seems like attempt to fill in the void in my soul. Actually everything I do feels like attempt to fill the void.
I had bad childhood, but I thought I healed it.
I had bad break up with my biggest love, I thought I forgot him, but I can’t love since then.
I jumped into spirituality, law of attraction, meditation, I signed up for career breaktrough course, I had NLP sessions to rewrite my traumas – nothing helps.
I constantly return to my lost state where I feel only apathy and disgust from everything what was bringing me joy before.
And now Im afraid to admit it to my teachers and career coaches. They expect me to be on high vibrations -as I was for a while. Nobody wants to deal with depressed person. Nobody knows how to deal with such person.
Even I don’t know how to deal with myself.
I feel informational and communication overload. I can’t stand social media anymore, although I couldn’t stay without it before. I can’t write in my blog. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to date.
And I dont want this “spiritual awakening” which I thought I have.
I am scared of my own thoughts. Im overwhelmed with amount of techniques, courses, videos, books and teachers.
I dont know what is right and what is wrong anymore.
I get angry at someone, but then I remember that I have to be positive and loving – and I supress it. Then I get angry on myself for being angry. But at the same time being afraid that other people will cross my boundaries. And I dont know where my boundaries are anymore.. I dont know how to behave
I tried to go within, but my soul is silent.
I dont have answers. I don’t find answers in books. in media. in friends. Talking to my friends doesnt bring me joy neither. Earlier I could not live without my friends. Now I lost almost all of them.
I feel completely alone, lost and empty.
I feel weird with all this spiritual and energy stuff. I tried to attract love to my life, but it’s not working. I tried to imagine abundance and success, but then i lost any interest in it. I feel crazy and losing my mind.
I know very well that I have to be thankful for what I have. I am completely healthy, beautiful, I live in free country, and I managed to move to better country than my original. I have good job, good living space, I have enough money, I have my sister,father, nephew, I have amazing colleagues and a lot of fun. I know all this but I can’t get rid of a thought that something significant is missing.
Why can’t I be normal as many other people around me? All people except me seem to be okay with their life. They are okay with daily tasks and daily life, and its only me who is deeply suffering, and seeking for something nobody knows what.
Why can’t I be happy with what I already have?
Since I remember myself – I have deep suffering inside of me, and I can’t figure out how to break free and finally live happy life without background pain.
I don’t know what is the purpose of this email, Im hoping for help but I know that nobody can help me except myself, and most probably you won’t even get to read it.
Perhaps I just needed to write my thoughts on “paper” and start it with “Dear Oprah”. Perhaps I just needed to share it with someone who may resonate…
Very much hoping for external miracle to happen to me and show me the light.
Sincerely,
Yuliya

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