Relationships. Why do we make them so painful? Why do we still prefer war over love…
I had a really difficult childhood. I lived in poverty, sometimes with no food, in constant fights, aggression, hatred, blame, and pain. I grew up learning that I am nothing if I don’t get good grades. I was blamed, shamed and punished for every single step I made. Whether good or bad, it was always bad. Except for good grades. That mattered. And so I studied. I wasn’t allowed to play with other kids after school. At all. I was studying. And looking at them out of my window. I believed that they are better than me because they are out there playing. They must have earned that. They also have better clothes. They travel and go out. And I don’t. I am worse than them. No other kid was forbidden to go out and play. Only I was. And my sister.
Everyone out there is better than me and my family
Up until recent weeks, I didn’t realize that this was my life credo. I was living my childhood story, over and over again. With every relationship, every partner, friend, boss or anybody who entered my life – my only pattern was “I am worse than you. So I have to cover it up as much as I can and prove the opposite”
And so I behaved correspondingly. Aggressive. Blaming. Needy.
“I can’t let them know that im worse!! Im good! See? Don’t you see it? You really can’t see it? How else can I prove it to you?”
And the Universe patiently listened. “You need another chance to prove it! Got’ya!”.. “They don’t hear you!”, “Nobody sees how good you are!”
And so it sent me corresponding people. One after another.
Unavailable or same needy men. Betraying friends. Nobody ever “heard me”
Sometimes I prayed for better people, and so the Universe sent those too.
“What?? You love me?? Without any proof? Who are you kidding!! Not interested” – was my usual response to them.
And the Universe was still listening. Kept on sending teachers to me. Tried to knock on my door and show me the other way. But I wasn’t interested. I didn’t care. I was too busy with proving to everyone how good I am and wondering why can’t I have “normal” friends..
It wasn’t until devastating heartbreak that I started to wake up. I was in unbearable pain for a long time…
Until one day I was fed up with suffering and refused to take it any longer. I literally screamed in tears to the Universe: “I can’t take it anymore! Show me something! Give me hope! What should I do with my life??”
I will remember that day forever. I cried out my pain. Calmed down. Turned on my laptop and for no obvious reason opened a book which I stored there for years and never opened before. The book is called “Conversations with God”. I started to read it from the middle. And one of the first phrases I’ve read was: “You are reading these words because you asked for it” … I got paralyzed… And read the whole book in one breath.
Since then I believe in God. I believe that we receive what we ask for. I believe that there are no victims, no luck, and no fate. There is deliberate creation. There are thoughts, which build up into thought patterns and end up as actions. There are intentions and the charge they bring. We do get what we want. Always.
But we are unable to receive it. We are unable to see what we’ve asked for. The negative thought patterns are so deep, that we don’t recognize when what we’ve asked for comes our way.
And so we get another lesson. Another negative experience to open our eyes. To understand what we want and to know that we are worthy of receiving it. Another reminder to change our belief system. Another lesson on self-love.
It all begins and ends with you. It’s not them. You believe that you aren’t worthy of what you asked for. And so you sabotage it. You blame others and push away good because you think you don’t deserve it. Or you attract bad because you think that this is the only thing you deserve. And you don’t understand it and keep on blaming yourself for attracting bad into your life, and so creating more guilt and unworthiness…It can go on forever.
But the Universe is smart. It will send you bad people. But you won’t listen. Then an accident. But you will blame that idiot who crashed your car. Then a severe disease. But you will blame God for being unfair to you. It will send you the worse experiences until you wake up. Until you realize your worthiness. Until you learn to love yourself. Until you stop pushing away what you have asked for. And start receiving with gratitude. And finally start loving.
It’s you. It’s always you. And always has been.